


Permanent Marker

by QWERTYouAndMe



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Biology Projects, Drug Use, F/F, First Relationship, Heed the chapter warnings., Illegal Activities, Implied/Referenced Suicide, LOTS of possibly triggering content, M/M, On Indefinite Hiatus, Pain, Relationship Struggles, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Social Anxiety, Soulmate AU, Soulmate Drawing AU, relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-20
Updated: 2017-09-10
Packaged: 2018-11-16 16:35:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 5,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11256732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QWERTYouAndMe/pseuds/QWERTYouAndMe
Summary: Ever since Connor had gotten his fake ID, he'd been getting the drawings that showed up on his skin turned into tattoos.They covered his scars, and it hurt a lot to get them. It was better than doing serious damage.Someday, Connor would run out of space.He'd have to ask his 'soulmate', if they even existed, to start drawing on their legs or something.What bullshit.(ON HIATUS)





	1. Oak

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! It's me again!

Connor had thirty-two little tattoos. They were strewn carelessly up and down his right arm like a child had drawn them on, except they looked very pretty and were obviously not drawn by a child. They were nice to look at. When he was high, which was a lot, he traced them with his fingertips. He wished his so-called soulmate could feel it. 

He wished a lot of people could feel a lot of things he felt. He wished his family could feel how he felt. He couldn't describe it, it was like being scooped out from the inside and being angry about it. Smoking helped, but sometimes it didn't. That was another reason the tattoos were nice; little, carefully inked cacti and trees were much nicer to look at than ugly scars that stood out and told anyone who saw, 'Hey, I'm messed up!'

Really, Connor had never believed in the whole soulmate thing. He wasn't too keen on himself, so he didn't see how anybody else could like him. As of right now, nobody did. But a new drawing would show up on his arm almost every single day; some sort of tree or pretty collection of flowers, clouds and cheery sunshine. Sometimes the clouds would rain. Connor had three rainy clouds, tattooed just below his elbow, on the inside of his arm. They were even coloured: raindrops blue and purple, clouds grey and lightning bolts yellow. They weren't the only coloured ones, but they were his favourites, except for the little love heart that showed up every day on the back of his right wrist. That was block black ink, but most days his soulmate's pen would go over the sides.

He still couldn't get over that; if someone - who could be halfway across the world - drew on their skin with pen, or marker, or anything, really, their 'soulmate' would get it too. 

Weird, if you asked Connor. 

But, thousands of people got their soulmate's creations tatted, it was a very common thing to do. So nobody asked questions. Nobody questioned his motives, or his fake ID. 

A lot of his tattoos came from a craving for sensation; for pain, rather than a genuine liking to the drawing on his skin. But his soulmate's doodles were pretty, so it was fine. So he had thirty-two of the bastard's pretty drawings on his skin forever. Someday, Connor would run out of space. He'd have to write a note on his hand, ' _To whom it may concern, I'm running out of space. Please start drawing on your legs. Sincerely, your soulmate._ '

What bullshit.


	2. Birch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! It's me again!

Connor only took biology because it would let him pass senior year, and Alana Beck was in biology, and she'd let him copy her notes, so he could sleep through the class.

He never took his jacket off, or rarely, because people would ask about his tattoos, and if Zoe ever saw them he was fucked. But for some reason the bio classroom was like a furnace, so he had basically no choice. Nobody paid any attention to him in biology anyway, so he was okay. 

At the start of senior year, they got split into groups to make a presentation about some kind of ecosystem or other. His group was full of smart kids who didn't expect anything of him, so he sat back and didn't do much. That was nice; for once nobody was expecting anything from him. 

Connor wasn't much of a doodler. Sometimes he'd scrawl  _'therapy at 5'_ on his hand so he didn't forget, or  _'text mom'_ if he needed something. He felt kind of bad; he had very little actual artistic talent, whereas his plant-obsessed soulmate was a good doodler. He hoped they appreciated his little notes, even if they were very boring.

He looked around the classroom. Alana led her group with a calm and collected air, though Connor could see her terror hidden behind her confidence. A boy who used to like Zoe flipped his water bottle. Connor grimaced. He wasalmost about to glance back down again, when for once someone new caught his eye. 

Evan Hansen.

Evan Hansen was different. Connor thought they could stand a good chance of being friends. Not like he'd ever talk to the kid, but if either of them ever dared to initiate conersation, they'd probably make good friends. 

Evan Hansen was unlike any other person Connor had ever seen. He's never had a chance to look at him that closely, but he was different. Every little glance that Connor got at him made his chest kind of swell in a way he couldn't explain. He'd never thought anything of it; it was probably just because he thought of Evan as a potential friend and he'd never had a friend before. 

Now, in biology class when Connor wasn't doing anything, he looked at Evan Hansen properly. 

He was doodling on the back of his hand. 

Something, and Connor couldn't tell what, made him look down at his right hand. 

For the first time ever, he watched the lines slowly start to show up on his skin. 

He looked back up at Evan, paying close attention to his drawing. It looked like the start of a sizable flower arangement. Connor would have to photograph this one and get it inked further up his arm. 

So this was his soulmate.

Evan Hansen. 

Connor watched the flowers grow on his hand, smile slowly growing. Evan Hansen.

He'd deal with that later. Right now he had to research some types of tree.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey!  
> Hey you!  
> Yeah, you with the cool hair!  
> Comment a type of tree!  
> Or comment something nice, or something horrible!   
> Just pleeeease comment?   
> Pls?


	3. Pine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey! its me again!  
> (heavy talk of suicide in this chapter, please be safe!)

Connor felt guilty for stealing them. It wasn't like he'd get in trouble for it once he'd taken them all. Nobody to get in trouble.

He'd been planning it for a long time. It wasn't just a split-second decision; he knew everyone would say it was foolish, that he had so much to live for and he shouldn't have ended his life on a whim and blah blah blah. But he'd been planning it. 

He wasn't even sure what made him realise it; one day in summer he just accepted that he wanted to die and then he realised that he  _could._ So he'd planned it carefully; 27 sleeping pills downed all at once in the park. Nobody ever went there, so it was a race to see what would get him found first: someone looking for him or someone actually coming to the park. He suspected the latter, it wasn't like his family would come looking for him. 

He wasn't going to leave a note, not for anybody. They all deserved to be in the dark. Nobody would know; who did the last thing that finally pushed him over the edge?

A bird flew by overhead. Somewhere close, a truck motor stopped. 

Connor looked at his hands. Chipped black nails and thumbs pushed through self-cut holes in his hoodie stared back at him. He should've repainted his nails. 

He thought about being a child. He and Zoe had this huge box of dress-up clothes; they'd play at being royalty and wizard and astronauts and cowboys. One day Connor had put on one of the satiny dresses and a tiara and announced that he was a princess. Zoe had taken it in stride, just putting on a dress of her own and saying that she was a prettier princess. Connor had let her be, because he was a good big brother back then. They'd asked their mom for makeup, and she'd smiled at the sight of them both. They got little makeup sets all of their own; brightly coloured eyeshadows and sticky, shiny lipglosses. It had been the time of their lives, and they'd loved it. Connor still sometimes did makeup, but barely ever anymore. He'd done it as a distraction when he was about fifteen, but then he couldn't bring himself to do it anymore. He could've done his makeup tonight; that'd be nice. He hadn't planned that far ahead. 

He put his hand into his pocket and felt the box; his fingers traced over the Braille and embossed lettering. He checked the time; 19:04. He'd take them in twenty minutes. Enough time to come to terms with his own impending death. 

The clouds were painted pink and orange by the setting sun. It was a pretty sight to behold, and this was the last time he'd see it. He was going to miss stuff like that. The little things that were nice to look at. He'd never eat ice cream again, never pet another cat. He'd never see his sister's wedding or have kids, he'd never start a family. His mind drifted to his soulmate, and how they'd never get any more drawings on their skin again. Someone had once told him that if your soulmate dies, your skin starts to turn inky black. He wasn't sure if he believed them. Soulmates were fickle things; it was rare to actually find yours. Some people didn't have one; some people had two or three that came at different points in their lives. His dad was an example: when Connor was about five, his father had started getting marks all over his body like he was linked to a small child. But Cynthia was his soulmate, he still got anything she wrote on her skin then. This poor kid had just been fucked over by the universe and gotten linked to the wrong person. But that was fine; dating your soulmate was by no means compulsory. Zoe's soulmate was a football player at their school, and she was dating Alana Beck (which Connor found a bit odd, but Zoe's choices were her choices.)

If you met your soulmate, or fell out of love with them, sometimes you'd stop getting their markings. His parents only got faint versions of each other's writings anymore, because they'd been married for twenty years (and they also couldn't stand each other).

Something made Connor look up. 

He glanced around; nothing unusual. Grass, fence, slide, trees. 

The trees interested him. Something was off about one; the tallest one. It was a forty foot oak, Connor had climbed it many times. He looked at it for a long time, trying to figure out what was wrong. 

Then someone hurtled from the top bough and hit the ground with a sickening thud.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you! yeah you!   
> you have a lovely smile! show it off today!  
> comment something happy!  
> title of this chapter was pine bc it sounds like pain and thats what it caused me  
> anyone else seeing ~the ship~ in this chapter or is it just me? cmon squad i see you,,,, tell me you see it


	4. Willow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Its me again!

This could be what sent Connor to heaven.

He wasn't religious, didn't believe in God, but he found a little comfort in thinking there might be somewhere for him to go after he died. He'd been taught that you should always help those in need, and this person was definitely in need of help.

So he stood up and started to run.

It was a thin person; black hoodie, blue jeans. They looked about his age. Lots of blood, little movement. Shit.

He knelt by their side, attempting to roll them onto their back. There was a _lot_ of blood, and it made Connor's stomach turn. He felt for breath through the disgust, and relief flooded his chest when he found it. He pulled off his hoodie and balled it up, setting it under the person's head and pulling out his phone to frantically call an ambulance. 

He'd have felt guilty not helping. One last good thing before he turned the lights off on the world. He didn't know why he was helping; why was he helping? Nobody would know. Something told him he had to help, something made him come here. But nobody would know when he was dead. He'd know, he decided, and he could die knowing he wasn't an entirely terrible person. 

The ambulance was coming. He just had to wait. For the first time, he really looked at the person in front of him.

Evan Hansen.

Everything made sense.

That's what had made him get up. That's why he wanted to help so much. That's why this seemed so important.

He'd never really believed in soulmates until now. Something in the universe decided Connor Murphy needed to save his soulmate.

What sort of bullshit was that?

He shook his head. Snap out of it, man, focus. 

He looked at Evan, then at the floor, then back at Evan. The injured boy stirred. His eyes drifted open for a second, then shut again. He groaned a little, and Connor winced. He must have been hurting so badly. He groaned again, and his head lolled to the side. Connor bit his lip and tried not to throw up. He remembered what he'd once heard about unconscious people; they had to lay on their sides, right? So they didn't choke or something? Connor cursed under his breath, using tiny movements to roll Evan over.

Then he just sat there in shock.

Why was Evan in that tree in the first place? Was he going to live? Why was he bleeding so much? Why did Connor even care? He was going to die tonight anyway, why did he care about some regular boy from his biology class? He didn't know.

The sirens were approaching, and soon there were paramedics left right and centre asking Connor all sorts of questions. He answered what he could, but it wasn't much. He ended up being whisked into the back of an ambulance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you! yeah you! you have a song stuck in your head, dont you?  
> what is it? i wanna know!


	5. Willow II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey its me again!  
> (this is really really bad okay i know i was super dead)

Alright, so not exactly how Connor was hoping to go to the hospital tonight. He was answering question after question, trying not to look at Evan in the ambulance in case he threw up. It wasn't pretty.

They sat him down in a room on his own. It was bright and smelled of bleach and latex. He was just told to wait. A nurse came in about thirty minutes after he'd been put there with a cup of water and a cookie. She asked a few more questions and then left him alone again.It was a nice cookie, for a free hospital cookie. 

Once Connor had given up all hope of ever being let out of the bleach room, someone came in and said he could see his 'friend'. They meant Evan, or he damn well hoped so, because he had no other friends. 

They led him down a corridor and into a tiny room that contained little more than a bad and a table. Evan was awake but looked confused. He saw Connor and shrunk back a little. 

As if he was approaching a scared animal, Connor crept forward, offering a little smile.

"Hey, Evan, right?"

"Evan," the other boy murmured, nodding. 

"You know me, right? I'm Connor."

Evan nodded again. "I know you. You're in my bio."

Connor didn't say anything for a moment. "Yeah. Bud," he cringed, "Are you okay?"

Yes of course, Connor, he's just fucking peachy. The boy nearly died but of course he's okay.

Evan hesitated, but nodded. The bandages on his face and arm said otherwise. Connor grimaced to think what might be going on inside his head. 

There was heavy silence. Connor straightened. 

"I should get going-"

"What are those on your arm?"

A beat. "What are- oh. Just- uh- nothing. Don't sweat it."

Connor rushed from the room, not saying anything. 

He went back to the park and held the box of pills. Midnight came and went. The door at home would be locked. He popped two of the pills from their card and swallowed them, hesitating before popping out two more. 

He didn't take them, just stumbled back to his car and fell asleep in the back seat. 

God, what was he doing? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you!  
> yeah you with the weird thing in your room!  
> take care of that weird thing, bro.  
> it'll grow legs.  
> dont comment to tell me how bad this was okay please just dont i know its awful please leave me be


	6. Maple

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! It's me again!  
> a shortie but a goodie methinks  
> if you dont think then go elsewhere

Connor felt weird.

He listened to the hushed whispers of his parents down the hall, not doubting that it would turn into yelling at some point. It always did, as tightly wound as the hands of a clock. Whispering turned into yelling. Weed turned into something stronger. 

But today it was different. He heard them whispering but he wasn't angry about it. It wasn't the same as it usually was; he couldn't catch his name thrown throughout sentences, couldn't hear discussion of his habits. 

All he could hear was confusion; was hurt and not knowing why. Accusations fired by venomous voices. _That's not your handwriting._

_You don't draw on your arms._

_Who is it?_

He listened closer.

_Of course I love you, I married you._

_If you loved me you wouldn't be getting someone else's transfer._

_You're getting another one too._

Silence.

He picked up his phone to put on music, anything to block out the sound. 

And he had a text from an unsaved number. 

_[Hey, I got your number from Jared K. I'm really thankful for what you did for me :) - Evan Hansen]_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey  
> hey you  
> you with the cool shirt  
> comment something funny


	7. Spruce

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! It's me again!  
> this fic is getting increasingly bad hopefully i'll finish it soon im so sorry

Connor stared at his phone. Jared. Fuck Jared. He hadn't talked to Jared in months. They used to smoke together sometimes. He was pretty sure his dad still helped Jared with math twice a week. 

Okay. Evan. What to say to Evan? They'd never even had a conversation. He was really anxious, why was he even texting Connor? Did he know? What even was to know? Were they soulmates? Maybe Connor was just imagining it. But then what had made him go to Evan? He sure as hell hadn't planned on doing any good deeds. He didn't even believe in God, so it couldn't be for extra points with the man upstairs. 

He didn't even believe in soulmates. He thought they were bullshit; nothing to be believed in. Just chance. 

But something wanted him to go to Evan. 

And something wanted him to respond to this text.

He typed out almost a dozen responses before deciding on one. 

_Hey, are you okay?_

_no thx_

_i dont want ur mormon book sorry_

_oh hi didnt see you there_

_never gonna give u up_

_hey dude hope ur ok_

_sah d00d_

_wrong number bud_

_not i said the cat_

_nope_

_nope_

_nooooooooope_

_no_

**Hey, are you alright after the other day?**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you  
> hey you with the red shoes  
> put some words in a box so i might see them  
> some words: super, blowfish, well, much, self, game.  
> :)  
> get that reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeference ;)


	8. Redwood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! It's me again!  
> i know this story is getting crap and i apologise, when it's done which should be soon hopefully, you'll get something new.

Evan had heard his phone buzz and reached to grab it as fast as he could. What if it was his mom, or Jared, or someone who needed help with something? He couldn't just ignore them, that'd be rude. He clicked the power button to check the notification, and his heart sank. 

No mom. 

No Jared.

Unsaved number. 

_Hey! Are you alright after the other day?_

Oh god.

Who was this? How did they know? Had the rumour spread around school that quickly? How did this person even get his number?

He wasn't good at talking to people, what if they expected actual conversation with him? He didn't know if he could do that. 

Panic started to bubble in his chest. What if they weren't real and they'd attached some sort of virus to the message so his phone got a virus and then it broke. He'd be in trouble and that would be stressful. If people knew about what had happened he was screwed; then people would notice him and try and talk to him and-

He couldn't just keep leaving this person hanging. 

He swiped warily on the message, exposing the whole chat.

Jared hadn't given him anybody's number. He'd punched something into Evan's phone while he was still half-asleep, but he hadn't taken much notice of it. This must've been it, right?

Now they could see that he'd seen it and they'd think he was being rude, oh god, he had to reply to them.

_hi? i don't mean to be rude but who is this?_

God Evan, they probably think you're stupid. Why say that? They think you're an idiot now who-

Shit they responded. Now you have to text them back or you'll look rude.

**Who's this tho?**

_my name is evan hansen_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> do the comment thing please even just tell me it's terrible please


	9. Magnolia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! It's me again!   
> (Only a few more chapters to go, woohoo!)

God, why was he doing this?

Why was he here? Evan hadn't invited him. He'd just felt so bad, the poor kid had barely any friends. So now here he was, dithering outside Evan's room like he was hiding something. 

Evan was apparently really concussed and bust up, so they felt like they had to keep him in for a bit. 

Connor had found this all out by text message, because they were both desperately lonely people. 

Just go in.

It was that easy.

Just go in. 

"Are you lost honey?" There was a nurse standing behind him with dark skin and shiny pink lips.

Connor startled, turning around. "Wha- No, no, I'm not lost."

"Who're ya lookin' for, sweetheart?"

"Evan Hansen."

"Yup. you're not lost. Evan's a real sweetie, he's just so shy!"

Connor nodded, unsure of what to say, and turned the handle on the door. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do the comment thing pls im sad and desperate


	10. Magnolia II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I FORGOT TO UPDATE FRIDAY FORGIVE ME

Connor looked at the room.

It was bland. Empty. Empty chairs, empty table, empty walls. 

Evan.

Connor offered him a smile, and he returned it for a moment. 

"Hey," He offered, voice weak. He coughed a couple times, apologising.

"Hey," Connor pulled up a chair, sitting and looking at Evan. He offered the box of candy he'd brought, not wanting to hold it any longer. Evan lit up.

"Is this for me?" When Connor nodded, Evan's smile widened even further. He winced a little at it, but didn't drop the smile. "Thank you so much, that really means a lot to me, nobody's ever thought to bring me anything before and the food here's not the greatest all the time, y'know, and-" He cut himself off, shaking his head slightly. "Thank you." 

"It's nothing," Connor shrugged, taking off his jacket without even thinking. It was really warm in the room, Evan must like it warmer. 

There was silence for a minute. Evan looked at Connor, sort of dumbstruck.

"Everything okay in there?"

"Are those- are those permanent?" He squeaked, looking at Connor's arm.

He hesitated, but nodded. 

"But- no, no, no, they can't be, no. You got those actually tattooed onto your body? But-" Evan hesitated, looking closer. "I- Those are-"

"Yeah, you drew them, I know."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> do the comment thing or whatever please and thanks


	11. Sycamore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyooooo yall should go check out my other fic Cloudy Eyes if you haven't already it's better than this one aaaAAAaa

"How do you-"

"I've seen you."

Evan hesitated.  Oh.

"That makes us-"

Connor just nodded. 

There was silence. 

No, no, no. That couldn't be right. Evan wasn't gay, right? Evan didn't like boys. He even used to have a crush on Zoe Murphy; he couldn't be gay. No way... Jose. He looked at Connor; Connor was really nice. He was really good. Evan couldn't be more thankful to him, really, he couldn't. But he didn't like Connor like that. He didn't think he did anyway. But he had to. The universe said so.

Panic started to bubble in his chest.

What happened if you didn't like your soulmate? Did you get shunned? Could you ever find someone? Was it wrong to not like your soulmate? Because Evan didn't like Connor like that; he barely even knew him. Now all the scribbling made sense, all the reminders for therapy appointments and harsh lines on the inside of his arms. 

When he'd seen the reminders for therapy he'd been relieved; someone who would understand. Right? Someone who would get his struggle. But he didn't like Connor like that. 

"I guess it does, huh."

Connor's voice dragged him out of his thoughts. 

"I mean, we don't have to make out now or anything, it's no big deal." 

It wasn't? But it seemed like it. Evan thought it was. It was a big deal to Evan.

"O-Okay."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> do the comment thingy also please comment a type of tree I havent used yet because i'm running out aaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAA


	12. Cherry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fUCK I MISSED AN UPDATE

"Hey, I should probably get going."

Evan looked up, trying not to let his face show how much that disappointed him. He was really enjoying sitting with Connor, even if it was just both of them in silence.

"Okay! Yeah- Yeah, that's totally fine! Yeah, o-of course."

Connor smiled softly, but only for a moment. "I'll text you."

Evan just nodded, aware that he'd stammer a lot more if he tried to talk. 

Connor offered a final forced smile and left, leaving the room empty and silent. Evan sighed dejectedly, looking at the clock. 1:25 pm. God. He really hoped Connor would text him.

* * *

 

As Zoe talked about some adventure she and Alana had over dinner, Connor thought about soulmates. They were such a weird concept, and nobody said you needed to be with them. But Connor had felt that weird pull that night in the park; the thing that'd made him go to Evan in the first place. Did all soulmates feel that?

He wanted to be friends with Evan, which was odd because Connor didn't want to be friends with anyone. Maybe that'd advance into more. Who knew? Connor didn't. 

Nobody even said soulmates had to be romantic! They could be platonic soulmates, right?

Connor didn't know, man.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> do the commenty thing and tell me off for uploading late


	13. Dogwood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo its your favourite disappointment

"Hansen?"

Connor expected silence. Evan hadn't been in school for a while, he was used to him not answering his name. 

"Here."

He was here? Evan was here? Why had Connor not noticed him

Why had Connor not noticed him?

He approached Evan after class, trying to smile reassuringly. 

"Hey, you're back."

Evan just nodded, looking at the floor. His hands twisted in his shirt.

Connor noted the silence. Uncomfortable, sticky silence. They walked the hall for a few minutes, not saying anything. Connor looked around for something, anything, to comment on. 

"So, uh- nobody's signed your cast!"

"Oh, I know."

"Well- Well I'll sign it."

Evan looked at Connor, face a mixture of emotions."Oh- you don't have to."

"Do you have a sharpie?"

Evan drew the pen from his pocket and held it out reluctantly. Connor signed his name maybe too big and hesitated for a second, before doodling a very small heart underneath, shoving the pen back at Evan and walking maybe too quickly away.

Fuck, why did he do that? Evan was gonna get the wrong idea. Way wrong idea. Why'd he do that? He was an idiot, he decided. Connor was an idiot. That was the truth.

He locked himself in the bathroom and regretted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> draw dicks in the comments


	14. Acacia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is getting boring

_[evan]_

_[evan]_

_[dude]_

_[wanna smoke pot with me?]_

Well done, Connor, you can make friends. He sighed, throwing his phone onto his mattress and closing his eyes. 

He wanted to be friends with Evan, but the only problem was, he couldn't make friends. 

_Ding!_

_Ding!_

_Ding! DingDing!_

God, someone was popular. He picked his phone back up, looking at the screen with a wince. 

**_[oh]_ **

**_[um]_ **

**_[i don't really do that sort of thing really im sorry]_ **

**_[we can hang out if you really want to but i don't see why you'd want to hang out with someone like me_ _i_** **_mean]_**

**_[i should be quiet im sorry]_ **

That could've gone worse, surely. 

_[should've thought, of course you don't]_

_[you don't have to be sorry]_

Connor cursed his own inability to communicate with real humans and stared blankly at his phone. Should he offer to 'hang out'? He'd never hung out before, what if he made Evan uncomfortable or scared him off or- 

_[we can hang out if you want to, you could come over and we could watch a movie or something or]_

He pressed send before he even realised what he'd typed. Anxiously, he awaited Evan's response.

After what seemed like forever,

_**[movies are nice]** _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> draw cats in the comments   
> (I'm just gonna start adding random chapters to this fic as well as regular updates because I Do Not Like This Fic)


	15. Acacia pt. 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gah who else hates this i do can you tell  
> some self harm talk in this chapter but only a little bit  
> also yes evan likes tfios ok fuck me

Connor couldn't say he thought he'd be watching The Fault in Our Stars when he sent that text, but here he was. 

Evan rambled sometimes, which Connor found endearing. He'd trip and stumble over his words until he caught Connor looking, then he'd blush and apologise over and over, but  _hey, it's okay, man. You can talk all you wanna talk._

He had some really interesting stuff to say. 

At some point, Connor shrugged off his hoodie and Evan was reminded of his tattoos. 

"I can't believe you got those- like- they're on you  _forever._ "

Connor just nodded. He liked them. Evan had shuffled a little closer to him on the couch to look at them. Ed Sheeran played quietly behind them.

"They're nice." Evan had decided with a small smile. "Why- why'd you get them, though- that sounded mean, I didn't mean it like that. I just meant- why- why my drawings?"

Connor shrugged.

"They were there. I just needed something to cover up my arms and I got one on an impulse. And now here we are."

Evan swallowed hard. Connor had his drawings on him forever. That, as much as he struggled to admit it, was kind of sweet.

No, no, he couldn't think like that about Connor, no sir.

No, Evan wasn't gay, no way. Nope. Nada.

"How many is there?"

"32." 

"That- That's a big number," He squeaked.

Connor just shrugged.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dude idec anymore


	16. Elm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ack i hate this fic  
> angst here yaaay

Right. Okay. This was fine. This was happening.

Evan was allowed to have feelings like this. He could feel this way. Right? It wasn't bad, was it? He wasn't bad.

Was he?

It was normal; it was fine. He wasn't broken. He was allowed to like guys as well as girls, that was a thing people did. That was a thing you were allowed to do. 

Then why did he feel so weird about it? It was okay. It was okay, it was okay, it was okay.

Why did he feel like it was so wrong?

He'd felt the weak tendrils of affection starting to unfurl in the pits of his stomach when he'd hung out with Connor the other day. He'd panicked and pushed them down, but now, at three am, he was thinking about it, and the thoughts wouldn't go away.

Would Connor ever consider him as even a friend? He was probably just being polite, right? Connor didn't really like him that much. And he'd never, ever, ever like him in the way Evan was trying to fight right now. 

Soulmates or not, Evan wasn't desirable. He knew people would never like him; he was too anxious and too much of a mess for that. He was an inconvenience. 

* * *

 

Connor wasn't sure if he was actually feeling this, or if it was a cry for help.

Was this actually infatuation, or just his desperately lonely self reaching out to the first person he could find?

Was he actually falling for Evan? Or was it just him seeing his bad traits in another person and latching onto them?

He wasn't sure. 

He wanted to like him, if not love him. He wanted to be at least friends. Could they even?

Would Connor just mess up like he usually did? Maybe so. 

Like Evan or die trying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> acK


	17. Fir

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes i took advantage of being on vacation as an excuse to miss three updates  
> no i feel no remorse this fic can suck my fuckin bUTT  
> im sick rn too (thanks gran canaria) so this update is gonna suck but do i care? ABSOLUTELY NOT

On one side of town, a boy sat staring at his phone.

On the other side of town, another boy, very similar but also very different, sat on his hands so he didn't pick his phone up.

On one side of town, a boy waited for a message, because he couldn't text first in case he looked clingy or obsessive or weird.

On the other side of town, the other boy stopped himself from messaging because he didn't want to show that he cared, because caring had only ever hurt him.

On one side of town, a boy slowly gave up hope.

On the other side of town, the other boy lights a cigarette and curses himself for caring.

* * *

 

It was 3:32 am.

Connor was numb. 

He looked at the ceiling, counting backwards in his head. He didn't know why he did that anymore, it didn't help shit. His eyes had been heavy for hours now but his body didn't care; he couldn't sleep if he wanted to.

He'd started at a thousand, and he was getting close to ten. 

Caring is not an advantage, he repeated in his head. He shouldn't care. 

But he did care. He cared a lot about a lot of things that he shouldn't care about.

And it was going to fucking kill him.

He fumbled blindly in his sheets for his phone and wrote a text to Evan.

[yo man i think ur p cool]

Well socialised, mate. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha fuck you fic, fuuuuck youuuu this is horrible but im so ill i dont even care ok  
> yall who read monachopsis, no update tonight, im very drained, but ill give you something tomorrow!


	18. Ash

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm still sick   
> im really sorry for missing updated im bad you can throw eggs at me later

Connor threw his head back when he laughed. 

He hugged his stomach and his feet raised off the ground a little. 

They'd walked in the forest. Evan had looked at Connor like he was the moon, but only for a moment.

They'd been friends, but only for a moment; been kids instead of just being afraid.

A yellow bird had crossed their path and Evan had fumbled to take a picture, but the bird had gone before he got it. They'd sat in a clearing and waited for more birds, watched the world move around them for a while. 

* * *

 

Evan made a joke. Connor laughed.

The sun was going down, and it backlit Connor's shadow, catching in his hair. 

Evan had that feeling again; tendrils of affection unfurling in his stomach and reaching up to tug on his heart. Panic started to bubble, but he pushed it down. No time for panic yet; he could save that for three am. Right now he could just focus on the warm fuzzy feeling in his chest.

Another bird lighted on a branch beside them and Evan gasped. He scrambled to take a picture, and caught one just as the bird flew away.

"I got it! Connor, look, I got it!"

Evan proudly showed the picture, and Connor smiled softly.

"You did get it, bud. well caught."


	19. Chapter 19

hey guys.

i know a lot of you like this fic a lot but i really dislike writing it. at the moment i dont want to waste what little motivation i have doig things i dont enjoy, because then the fics i do enjoy writing wont be as good either. i hate to disappoint you guys but ultimately I write for my own enjoyment, and when i dont enjoy it there's no point.

so, im putting this fic on indefinite hiatus.

i'm sorry to those of you i may have disappointed, but i just dont feel the need to carry on a story i dont enjoy. i may revisit it in the future, but we'll have to see.

sorry guys.

we out.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey!  
> Hey you!  
> Yes, you, with the cat in your lap!  
> Comment your favourite animal!  
> Or, comment something nice. Or something mean.  
> Just pleeeease comment? It makes me really happy.  
> :p


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